Imagines...

Imagine sitting at the computer and trying to step back into the feelings you felt so vividly three years ago.

Imagine a perfect twin pregnancy gone awry with no warning, and your regular life stopping short. Imagine being unable, at first, to believe that your life was not going to continue on as you had expected and planned.

Imagine being terribly confused, completely overwhelmed and heartbroken...Sure that you would be saying good-bye to your two babies before you even had a chance to know them.

Imagine being on mag sulfate and still having contractions...and imagine suddenly spiking a fever and having trouble breathing. Imagine a million questions with no answers.

Imagine telling your doctor that a pulmonary embolism sounded like a good diagnosis (I'm resilient, after all) since the alternative diagnosis was a uterine infection (which would mean delivering 24-week twins...who knows what they can survive)...

Imagine laying tilted back in a hospital bed, on and off miserable medications to stop labor, for 45 days and wishing that you could have done it for 45 more...

Imagine tiny twin girls who come home on oxygen, and you feel guilty because you're angry and scared that they have any special medical needs at all...imagine trying not to imagine what your life would have been like had they been born on the day you were admitted to the hospital at 24-weeks.

Imagine constant vigilance for a year, terror that these little girls will get sick, go back to the hospital and die...

Imagine getting through that year, and the next, and the next.

Imagine these two blossoming in every way as you look on, astonished and blessed to be the (exhausted) parent of these two little girls.

Imagine being bossed around by these two little girls and laughing with joy when you think about how lucky you are...and imagine knowing that your preemies are resilient enough to survive a time out when needed :)

Now, imagine those same two little girls looking at your newborn son who weighed at birth what they weighed at birth COMBINED.

Imagine your joy at delivering a baby almost at term and taking him home with you.

Imagine wondering why it is that you can't carry a baby for 40-weeks.

Imagine the use of a breastpump as "optional."

Imagine the bittersweet joy you feel when you hear your girls refer to your son as the "little itty-bitty small baby." If only they knew.

Imagine getting more "congratulations" and recognition for this birth from your friends online than from others in your "non-online" world.

To those of you going through the NICU and aftermath now, Imagine a time when these experiences and feelings won't be the first thing you're faced with in the morning, the last thing you experience at bedtime and what you dream about throughout the night.

Imagine a time when you will wake up and realize that you are different as a result of this whole experience, but that it's okay.

Imagine how this whole journey has transformed your life...and how much of the credit for coming out of this fairly intact goes directly to you on this list, and to those who created and maintain it (Imagine the dedication and love of Anne and Gary to set up and maintain this list...).

Mara (mom to Gabriella Sara and Layla Chana -- born May 30, 1996 at 30.5 weeks and Shimon Yakir -- born March 10, 1999 at 36 weeks) Clinical Psychologist -- Chicago

Co-author: _The Emotional Journey of Parenting Your Premature Baby: A Book of Hope and Healing_ (NICU Ink, around 2001) Co-author: "Dealings" in _The Early Edition Newsletter_ Author "Coping" in _Preemie Parent Connection