Imagines...

Imagine... being told you had miscarried and being taken for a scan to be told the baby was just fine.

Imagine....This happening over and over (4times all up)

Imagine....Pain so bad you can not walk, you transfer hospitals and the Doctor there tells you why the pain is so bad and has it fixed in a week

Imagine...Being shown through a NICU and meeting a Mother who so proudly shows you her babies journal

Imagine Doctors arguing on what they plan to do for you so you discharge yourself for the weekend

Imagine you baby is born the night you return back because her heart beat is 205per min.

Imagine sharing rooms with the Mother who had let you read that journal.

Imagine holding your baby and feeling guilt cause others can not hold theirs.

Imagine taking her home.

Imagine when 5 years later your waters break and your baby is born at exactly the same gest dates as your 5 year old (31.3weeks)

Imagine that first cry.

Imagine thinking your life could not be better

Imagine your 5year old coming to tell you all about her baby sister she has wanted for years, when you still have not been able to go and see her

Imagine watching them transfer your baby to a radiant bed cause they need to get to her easier

Imagine being told in a hosp where they really only intubate if they HAVE HAVE HAVE to telling you they might need to do that to your baby, yet your last 31.3 weeker was just fine.

Imagine being so proud you showed your poliriod picture off to all the nurses who looked after you and the father of the baby in the same room as you.

Imagine going to go and see your baby

Imagine being pushed through the doors and hearing alarms going off

Imagine thinking in your head that poor family...

Imagine that poor family is you, you just don't know it yet

Imagine the doctor telling you that they can not do anything for your baby, that she has died

Imagine not wanting to believe.

Imagine holding your baby for the first time and she has passed away

Imagine pure Love.

Imagine the pain her 5 year old sister felt

Imagine finding out your are pregnant again 9 weeks later and feeling guilt and so not ready

Imagine feeling your baby move and crying because you just want your baby who passed away not really a whole new baby

Imagine being told you will start steriods at 28 weeks t be safe

Imagine your waters breaking the day after you planned this at 24 weeks

Imagine when you go into Labour you have all the side effects of the drugs given except it doesn't slow the labour

Imagine being told this baby is coming too soon

Imagine that baby coming out crying

Imagine that baby is doing so well she can actually breath on her own and is only on CPAP IN AIR!!

Imagine holding her at only 5 days old and then again the next day without any CPAP

Imagine your baby getting a virus and feeling the guilt when it gets spread around the unit

Imagine your baby continues to do great.

Imagine moving to the lower level of care

Imagine hours spent having Kangaroo cuddles

Imagine the only thing holding you back from going home with your baby is her feeding

Imagine the Lactation consult telling you to "Just give her a bottle" so you do and two weeks later taking your baby home finally

Imagine Love

Imagine because you  hate being told that you can not do something you persist and your baby learns to breastfeed

and feeling so proud

Imagine taking your baby to her big sisters grave

Imagine having to resusitate your baby at 4.5 months old after she has done so well for so long

Imagine her having to have oxygen when she never has really needed it before and feeling like it is all going wrong.

Imagine taking her back home only to go back again the next fortnight and then the fortnight after

Imagine your baby smiling at you.

But please never Imagine or try to imagine when that same little babywho had just been smiling up at me passes away in my arms and I can not resusitate her.

Imagine how many NICU staff took the day to come to your baby girls funeral

Imagine that two of them have become so close you could not think of better people to carry your baby girl into her service from the hearse.

Imagine burying your lil baby with her lil big sister

Imagine just so badly wanting your babys back

Imagine recieving emails from your babys Neonataloligist sending his Love and a letter about our little girl

Imagine coming up to what would be her first birthday getting a email from the same Doc asking if he can use your babys photo on a poster for the perinatal conferance

Imagine feeling so touched and knowing that your baby could make a differance to babys all around the world

Imagine Pride and Love even after they are gone.

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continued . . .

Imagine after having three premature babies and losing two you find out you are pregnant again (third year lucky?)

Imagine that right from the start they do not give any hope of going past 30 weeks.

Imagine not being able to cope with the idea of another baby and going through all this all over again.

Imagine at 23 weeks 6 days you start bleeding (In this country they generaly only attempt to keep babies alive from 24 weeks.)

Imagine your waters break at 24 weeks 1 day and feeling relief that you baby will at least be given a chance.

Imagine your baby is born at 24 weeks 5 days and finding out baby is a boy, your first boy!

Imagine your baby is not breathing and you have to decide if they attempt to resus.

Imagine the ET tube will not go down babies throat and so they try his nose and tear his septum but he is alive

Imagine never thinking baby will make it

Imagine that he does!

Imagine finding out when your baby is 5 weeks old that you have cancer, Your baby is doing so well the say he is likely to live but no one can promise the same for yourself.

Imagine tears when you finally get to leave cause the staff are scared that you will never visit and they will not see us again. They are our Family and friends now, they really should not be that worried

Imagine taking your baby to the cemetery to visit his two big sisters.

Imagine after everything we have been through we are finally a Happy Family!

You can visit my girls websites at www.edensanangel.memory-of.com and www.lainesanangel.memory-of.com

Lisa.
Mum to
Nikita 31.3weeker
Eden 31.3 weeker
Laine 25 weeker