Close your eyes for just a moment, and Imagine you're in a warm dark place, a place where you instinctively know that you are safe.

Imagine a constant rhythmic beat, a sound that never leaves you, a sound that seems to surround you with love.

Imagine that in this place you float in a river of sweet tasting water that is the same temperature as your body, so gentle, so soft that you don't really feel it. Occasionally you're lulled to sleep when your place is rocked gently, and other times when your place becomes still, you begin to move, bouncing from one side of your home to the other, rebounding off elastic walls, jumping, swimming, rolling, kicking.

Imagine that there is never any light, only a dull shimmer every now and then, but you're not scared for it is not a frightening dark, and every now and then you hear a voice, a sweet voice, muffled somewhat but still a voice that brings a sense of peace, a voice that you know means home.

Imagine that you float in this place knowing that you will be there for a long time, safe in this world that protects you while you grow.

Now Imagine that the walls of this safe place suddenly start to squeeze you tight, this safe place is suddenly trying to expell you and you panic, your heart rate quickens, you move around trying to escape. And as the walls go back once more you are calm. A short time later the walls once again move in and squeeze you tight and you're heart rate slows. This place is no longer safe and you feel fear.

Keep your eyes closed...........Imagine that you're heart rate continues to slow and then stops and you feel nothing.

Open your eyes............Imagine being thrust into bright, bright light, flying through air so cold, so hard it hurts your skin, suddenly not surrounded by your warm sweet water, you feel cold, and for the first time hear sounds, not just any sounds but loud voices, harsh machines and the light so much light.

Imagine being layed on a table and hands cover you, hard cold instruments are pushed down your throat, up your nose, needles are inserted you feel pain and frightened and want to go home.........

Imagine laying in a place that's no longer cold, but still loud and bright and terribly frightening and you listen through all those other noises, straining to hear that rhythmic thump thump thump, but it's no longer there and you feel alone.

Imagine laying in this strange place surrounded by strange people not understanding for one moment where you are or why you hurt, and then hearing a sound that you know........hearing a voice, clearer than you remember, but still a voice that you know, and then a hand touches you, it doesn't hurt, but gently strokes your head and your hand and your foot, and this voice softly sings to you and you know that amongst all this madness and pain and fear is something that you remember, something that you know, and suddenly you're not alone.

Imagine deciding at that moment that you would do everything in your power to leave this place and follow that voice, follow that voice and be with it forever. So you start to breathe and it's very hard because your lungs aren't really ready, but you do it. And then slowly all the machines are taken from you and you are left in another place, surrounded by walls, but its not dark or quiet.

The voice is joined by another that you know and others that you grow to know and you slowly learn that there is safety in even this place.

Imagine being placed against warm skin, and hearing that sound, that wonderful sound and as you listen to it, the voice whispers sweet words and wets your head and even that feels good because that water is warm and reminds you of something else.

Imagine knowing that you will never look back because you want to be with that voice, you want to go home.

Imagine being the mother of this child, Imagine knowing deep inside that you failed him when he needed you to keep him safe and you couldn't.

Imagine looking down at this child, covered in tubes and surrounded by machinery, and wishing him to fight, to be strong.

Imagine holding him for the first time and not really wanting to because you think that he's going to die and you can't imagine feeling any more pain than you do now.

Imagine not thinking that you can go on............believing that you can't possibly make it through one more day.

Imagine feeling like no one else will ever be able to share your life again because no one else could possibly understand.

Imagine bringing that child home and standing in the front doorway of your house, clutching your baby, looking around as if you'd never been there before and starting to cry.

Imagine sobbing your heart out because it's all over, your baby is home and you never thought that day would come.

Imagine looking back on that whole period in your life, now 4 years past and feeling that perhaps you can go on, feeling that you can cry again, not because it's over, but because you suddenly realize that that moment standing in your doorway was not an ending, but a beginning.

Imagine getting to know that child, watching him grow and Imagine being able to look at him now and think that if only you knew how strong, how brave, how stubborn and pig headed that baby was lying in that hospital, you wouldn't have been as scared.

Imagine looking at that child now and knowing that if you had to, you'd do it all again.

Leanne
(Proud mummy of James and Hannah)