Imagine..... you've just left your husband of 14 years and find out your pregnant

Imagine..... you have 2 sons who are 11 and 13 and you know that their pregnancies almost killed you and you don't want to leave them in the world without a mother

Imagine..... you contemplate abortion because you know you are risking death, but would rather risk life for your child over death, even though you may be leaving two other children behind

Imagine..... twenty five weeks into your pregnancy and the doctor says "there is no baby, I don't even think we can save you.... I'm sorry"

Imagine...... a team of four doctors at your side for 3 full shifts, trying to save your life, while trying to talk you into a "Do Not Recessitate Order" for your unborn child

Imagine..... only thirty hours after your doctor looses hope and, after a stroke, multiple seizures, temporary blindness, and blood pressure over 300...... you deliver a 1lb. 6 1/4 oz. baby boy.

Imagine..... you are still blind and it takes days to be able to see your new son, and because you can't feel him.... touch being too much for his little body to handle, and you are sooooooo alone

Imagine...... having an Executive Position with a National Organization and you are recieving multiple flowers, phone calls, and visitors from all over the country.... and you have to smile when they congratulate you, when all you are really doing is planning a funeral

Imagine...... your son is a month old, he has had multiple "scares", and doesn't seem to "tolerate" much very well, but you are excited because you can hold him for the first time

Imagine...... having to go back to work only a week after leaving the hospital because work is therapy, and provides for my other sons, and then having to travel to the NICU an hour away every day..... imagine the guilt every morning when you know that you won't see your child until tonight, or tomorrow, or even the next day because the cost is too great

Imagine...... operation after operation is scheduled, then post-poned, and then they tell you one day when he is four months old, and still in the NICU, that he may never need surgery

Imagine...... he eventually learns the art of suck, swallow, and breathe, yet he will never suckle from your very breast because it is too big a job for him

Imagine..... He finally comes home almost 5 months old, and unexpectedly he comes with oxygen tanks, therapists, nurses, and aides.....

Imagine..... taking this child to work with you everyday because you are terrified to leave him

Imagine..... he is finally 10 months old, and he is finally falling within "normal growth parameters"

Imagine..... going to bed every night, and hoping he is still going to be there, thriving in the morning

Imagine..... you feel all alone, because nobody you know understands your feelings of grief, of loss, of guilt...... or of fear, for in the back of your mind you are always planning that funeral

Connie