Imagines...

Imagine your prenatal yoga classes and books on natural birth, the ultrasound at 22 weeks showing a healthy well-grown baby,

Imagine the nightmare of a septic birth at 26 weeks. Imagine having a temperature of 108 degrees, uncontrollable trembling, delirium, imagine that the midwife can't find any heartbeat for your baby,

Imagine the silence in the room when the baby is expelled and lands on the bed with a thump,

Imagine your tears when the nurse who takes the baby to the warming bed tells you, "It's a little boy and he's a good color".

Imagine the despair of the man who witnessed the nightmare birth unable to do anything. Imagine the long drive through a fierce electrical storm following his wife's ambulance to the only hospital with room for their baby, there to wait for the baby's ambulance to arrive, not knowing whether the baby will still be alive when it comes.

Imagine seeing your newborn son for the first time, he is five hours old and he looks crucified,

Imagine deciding when you wake up the day after giving birth that you'd better have a shower before you visit your baby in case he has died and you don't get the chance later,

Imagine finding your two day old son with his nostril split right through from a failed tube insertion,

Imagine your son's pain after his nostril is split that the tube is then forced down the other nostril,

Imagine noticing that your three day old son has a huge burgundy colored bruise covering half the back of his head and no-one can tell you why,

Imagine the first time you hold your premature baby, he is so light it feels like your arms are empty,

Imagine how strange it is to see your baby's eyes entirely dark with no whites, like a little animal,

Imagine the neonatologist who comes to you with the face of an undertaker to tell you that your son has had a severe brain bleed and will probably always be stiff down one side of his body,

Imagine your relief when he tells you this because nothing matters except that he's alive,

Imagine holding your baby while you talk to husband about Medline searches and grades of IVH. Imagine that you look down and your baby is watching you, studying your face. Imagine the shock when your eyes lock and you recognize each other, and know that this little being has been part of you forever.

Imagine that you are afraid to touch your premature baby. He looks so fragile, so skeletal, his skin is transparent and his whole body seems to be attached to tubes and wires. Imagine watching him day after day, sick with the longing to take him back into your body.

Imagine the kindness of the nurse who shows you how your baby likes to be touched.

Imagine watching her gently massage his head and seeing him turn towards her hand, a look of blind bliss on his face. Imagine the depth of your loss when you understand that he has been craving touch while you sat by not knowing,

Imagine the happiness of every cuddle, every kiss since then. Imagine the massages and the sighs of contentment. Imagine the small feet held out for you to kiss every time you put on socks, orthotic, shoes,

Imagine the joy of kissing those feet.

Anne Casey, mother of Jessica (f/t now 7) and Vincent (26 weeks now 4) Preemie-l Listowner with Gary Hardy

Melbourne, Australia

Preemie-l home page http://www.vicnet.net.au/~garyh/preemie.htm