Imagine becoming pregnant with an IUD in and a 6 month old 33 weeker at home. Then being told your chance of having another preemie were less than 2%. Only to go on and have a 27 week little girl.

Imagine being in labor and having your 1lb 13 oz little girl be born while no one but you and your husband are in the room and you thinking you just killed your child. Imaging screaming frantically as you look down at your child and she is blue and not breathing and then the doc runs in without scrubs or gloves and cradles your child in one hand and starts CPR with the other.

Imagine thinking and screaming over and over again that your child is Dead while they take her away they say It's a girl. Imagine shaking uncontrollably thinking that you caused this because you didn't know you needed to push.

Imagine seeing your child for the first time on an oscillating vent and the nurse commenting about how she looked like a lobster and I should leave $5 so no one would eat her. Imagine that she catches RSV from a doctor and gets sicker after she had been breathing on her own for a week. Imagine going to see her and telling the doctor that something was terribly wrong only to have her say that I wasn't there enough to know what she was supposed to look like after I had driven in rush hour traffic around DC everyday to see her. Imagine getting a call at 630 the next morning and the same DR telling you your child wasn't going to make it. Imagine sitting in traffic wishing you could get out and run the 40 miles to the hospital and watching every minute go by on the clock thinking that that could be the minute your child dies. Imaging being buzzed into the NICU and running back to where you child was supposed to be and her not be there. Then the DR comes and takes you to a room outside the NICU filled with nurses holding your baby. Imagine running down the hallway thinking this cant be happening to me. Imagine the DR telling you IF your child would have lived she would have had CP. And if she would have been born at another hospital she probably would have lived. Imagine holding your child and crying praying to GOD that she would wake up and this would be a mistake. Imagine leaving the hospital for the last time and knowing you are never going to see your baby again. Imagine getting the hospital bill the very next day!! Imagine getting her medical record a few weeks later and finding out that the DR's poked a hole in her heart and that she didn't have a grade IV bleed but Head trauma (similar to shaken baby syndrome). Imagine seeing your child be buried and having to explain to your 3 yr. old daughter that God is really nice but Kristin is never coming home.

Imagine dealing with a possible diagnosis of Autism with your other preemie and a family that couldn't care less. Imagine your only true friend through it all is someone you met on the Internet and whom you have never met.

I hope this isn't too much for this imagine thing but to be honest it has been almost a year and it feels good to get all this anger toward the hospital and the doctors out. We are currently trying for another baby. This time with a 20-50% chance of having a preemie. I am really scared but I know infections cause both my PROM's so hopefully being in Germany I can get the healthcare I need and want. thank you all for listening.

Amy

Mommy to Kelsey Elizabeth FT My Princess who will be 4 in July

Colton Keith 33 weeker

And Kristin Elise my Angel who should have been 1 on May 7th who showered our lives with love for 3 precious weeks.