Imagines...

Imagine being just 22 weeks pregnant when the first contraction rips through your body.

Imagine being so terribly scared of what lies ahead as you realise that you are bleeding.

Imagine the fear in your mind as you rush to A&E at 10 o'clock at night ~ praying to God to keep your baby safe.

Imagine the heartache as the Doctor can't find a heartbeat.

Imagine the hope you feel when your baby gives loads of big, strong kicks ~ as if to say 'Mummy I am still here'.

Imagine the disbelief when the contractions get so close that they send you up to the Delivery Ward 'Just incase'.

Imagine your heart shattering as they tell you 'Baby is on its way ~ but will not be born alive as it is much too soon'.

Imagine sitting there ~ struggling not to push ~ because you want your baby inside you where it belongs.

Imagine not being able to stop it anylonger ~ and seeing your baby born ~ still in its bag of water.

Imagine the Doctors wrapping it in a towel and taking it away ~ saying 'I'm so sorry'.

Imagine sitting there crying for your lost child for half an hour and realising that you never knew if your baby was a boy or girl.

Imagine asking the nurse if you could see your baby ~ even though you are afraid of what it may look like.

Imagine the nurse holding your hand and telling you that on breaking open the bag of waters they found your baby was breathing.

Imagine the rush of hope only to be told that the chances of survival are just 10%.

Imagine being told that you have a baby girl ~ but that she only weighs 1lb 10ozs.

Imagine finding out that the Doctors wouldn't try and save her ~ only for her determination and strength to amaze them that they decide to 'give her a chance'.

Imagine this tiny tiny baby being wheeled into your room as you are helped across the room to gaze at her.

Imagine seeing this incredibly miniature person wriggling around.

Imagine hearing the most gentlest cry you could ever hear in your lifetime.

Imagine having this beautiful little girl get rushed away again just as you managed to say 'Hello'.

Imagine being told that they were sending your baby to a different hospital that could care for her better ~ but you couldn't go till the following day.

Imagine seeing her again ~ so that you can say 'Goodbye' before they put her in the ambulance.

Imagine seeing her attached to a ventilator ~ so you can no longer hear that beautiful cry.

Imagine begging them to take care of her.

Imagine laying there all night ~ wanting to know what was happening to her.

Imagine deciding that baby needs a name ~ and choosing Hannah for her.

Imagine rushing up to see her the next morning ~ not knowing if she would still be alive when you get there.

Imagine seeing your baby girl covered with tubes & wires and looking smaller then you remembered.

Imagine seeing her face screw up in pain as they try to get another line in.

Imagine praying to God at night that your baby girl makes it through the night.

Imagine Thanking him when she is still with you the next day.

Imagine the doctors calling her 'Too good to be true' as your baby proves to be a fighter.

Imagine slowing allowing yourself to believe she CAN make it!

Imagine the pain on watching her lungs collapse as the Doctors start 'bagging' her.

Imagine the feeling of helplessness as the Doctors work on her ~ pleading with her 'Come on Baby ~ don't leave us now'.

Imagine not leaving her side for a moment as she battles so hard to live.

Imagine being told that she is stable and to go home and have a shower.

Imagine doing just that ~ only to return an hour later to find that your baby girl has just died.

Imagine standing there looking at her laying alone in her incubator ~ still attached to tubes and wires ~ yet her machines all switched off.

Imagine the grief at knowing she should have died in your arms ~ not laying alone in a plastic crib.

Imagine holding your daughter in your arms for the first time ~ but for her to be an Angel.

Imagine kissing her bruised hands and feet and telling her you will love her forever.

Imagine having to walk out of that hospital and leave your baby behind ~ and alone.

Imagine having to plan for her funeral.

Imagine watching that oh so tiny coffin being lowered into the ground ~ knowing your Dreams are inside of it.

Imagine falling to your knees in the mud ~ because you are unable to find the strength to stand any longer.

Imagine sitting in the bath sobbing as your body makes milk for the baby that you just buried.

Imagine knowing that most Mummies have there baby girls with them yet knowing that Heaven has yours.

Thank You so much!

Amanda Bowden.
Mummy to Angel Hannah